The Hippie Handbook Read online

  The Hippie Handbook

  by

  Chelsea Cain

  Illustrations by

  Lia Miternique

  for Marc Mohan and every kid named “Sunshine”

  Contents

  Dedication

  Introduction

  How to Wear Your Hair Like a Hippie

  How to Dress Like a Hippie

  How to Tell Time Like a Hippie

  How to Anthropomorphize Inanimate Objects

  Hot to Pick Up a Hippie

  How to Name Your Hippie Baby

  How to Macramé

  How to Care for a Fern

  How to Tie-Dye a T-Shirt

  How to Make a Skirt Out of a Pair of Old Jeans

  How to Grow an Avocado Sprout from a Seed in a Jar

  How to Make an Origami Crane

  How to Amble

  How to Hitchhike

  How to Drive Like a Hippie

  How to Change the Oil in Your VW Bus

  How to Take Care of Birkenstocks

  How to Teach a Dog to Catch a Frisbee

  How to Make Sand Candles as Holiday Gifts

  How to Draw Psychedelic Letters

  How And When to Flash a Peace Sign

  How to Meditate

  How to Howl at the Moon

  How to Choose a Mantra

  How to do a Sun Salutation

  How to Find Spiritual Enlightenment

  How to Start a Commune

  How to Build a Compost Pile

  How to Milk a Goat

  How to Dance Like a Hippie

  How to Celebrate May Day Like a Hippie

  How to Make a Dandelion Crown

  How to Celebrate Your Birthday Like a Hippie

  How to Make a Vegan Chocolate Birthday Cake (Serves 8)

  Stuff to do Around a Campfire

  How to Play “Kumbaya” on a Guitar

  How to Cook Like a Hippie

  How to Grow Tempeh in Your Bathtub

  How to Decorate Your Home Like a Hippie

  How to Dumpster Dive

  How to Clean Your House Like a Hippie

  How to Paint a Mural on the Side of Your House or Minibus

  How to Pick a Suitable Hippie Job

  How to Panhandle

  How to Organize a Protest

  How to Tree Sit

  How to Smoke Bananas*

  How to Recognize an Undercover Cop

  How to Get a Copy of Your File from the FBI

  How to Join the Peace Corps

  How to Run Away to Morocco

  Essential Hippie Movies

  Essential Hippie Books

  Hippie Glossary of Terms

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  About the Illustrator

  Copyright

  Introduction

  I spent my early childhood in a hippie commune in Iowa, and I guess one way or another I have been trying to get back ever since. As the child of hippies, I can say with the utmost confidence that there is no better counterculture in which to grow up. The craft projects alone would keep most kids stimulated for the better part of a decade. How many toddlers today know how to macramé a sweater for a goat?

  We lived in an old, white farmhouse with several outbuildings that served as shelter for various dogs, horses, sheep, goats, and chickens, and who-ever couldn’t fit in the house. My dad had decided not to go fight in Vietnam, and so he and my mother were living “underground.” (For many years, in the later part of my childhood, I thought that when I was a baby we had all lived in subterranean tunnels.) They had spent some time traveling in Europe, become homesick, and returned to the States. As Midwesterners are by nature taciturn, Iowa seemed as good a place as any to hide out. They moved into the farmhouse and pretty soon friends started to drop by. Months passed. The friends never left.

  There wasn’t a lot of money. We ate what we grew in the garden and served millet casserole because it was cheap and fed plenty. For years we didn’t have a telephone, or a TV, or flushing toilets. But we played music on the porch for fun and I got to wear whatever I wanted and run free in the cornfields and help the adults plan The Dream at night.

  My parents were back-to-the-landers. My dad, in his eventual trial for draft resistance, stated his profession as “subsistence farmer.” My parents and their friends believed in living outside the war machine, off the grid, out of the box. We made candles and clothes and hanging plant holders, not because these things weren’t available elsewhere but because not buying stuff was a radical act of social resistance.

  This do-it-yourself approach was a defining aspect of the hippie trip. Between 1965 and 1975, hippies figured out how to do a lot of stuff. This book is a collection of some of it. These are not just timeless skills; they are the tools of a movement, as useful today as they were pre-Watergate. How many neo-hippies have gone to a Phish show only to embarrass themselves with their poorly executed tie-dyed apparel? How many young-hippies-turned-old-hippies no longer remember the nuances of composting?

  Suffice it to say, this is the book I wish I had had growing up. Being a hippie is not easy, and comprehensive resource guides are few. The movement has changed. Yet hippies have persevered, and the skill set has remained remarkably consistent. Maybe if more of us had access to the movement’s means, we might better protect its ethos. (I imagine a world in which all people have the ability to make sand candles.) In any case, I hope that this small guide will promote understanding, as well as an increase in May Day parties. After all, hippies are the dolphins of our species: playful, resilient, social, fetishized by some, dismissed by others. They represent all that is optimistic and outrageous and youthful in each of us. Plus, they have the best hair.

  CHELSEA CAIN PORTLAND, OREGON

  If you are a hippie, I hope that you find this book handy. If you are not a hippie, beware. Once you know the joy of a good barefoot amble, it’s a short road to selling homemade beads off a batik blanket in Berkeley.

  See you there.

  How to Wear Your Hair Like a Hippie

  THE BASICS

  Shampoo as rarely as possible.

  Cut your hair as rarely as possible.

  If you have to cut your hair, cut it yourself or have someone—preferably a roommate or hitchhiker—cut it for you.

  Braiding is OK.

  NEVER shave legs or underarms.

  HAIR ACCESSORIES

  Kerchiefs (especially rolled and tied around forehead)

  Native American braid ties

  Tooled leather barrettes

  Beads

  Rubber bands

  Roach clips

  NEVER bikini wax.

  From left to right:

  Roach Clip

  Barette

  RECIPE FOR NATURAL BLOND HIGHLIGHTS

  Squeeze fresh lemon juice into a bowl. (One nice-size lemon should do it.)

  Add one teaspoon of salt and stir.

  Work into hair.

  Expose hair to midday sun for at least two hours. (Attend outdoor Phish concert, Rainbow Gathering, or other peaceful event.)

  Rinse and air dry.

  RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS

  Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Pure-Castile Soap (also good for shaving, shampooing, massage, teeth cleaning, and bathing)

  Eucalyptus oil (A small amount rubbed into the scalp has an invigorating, aromatherapeutic effect. Too much will make hair look oily—which, of course, may be the look you’re going for)

  Observing a trend in folk circles involving barrettes with long strips of leather and feathers dangling from them, I wandered at age eight into a small, sweet-smelling store in Key West, Florida, to purchase a similar contraption. Mine was even better. The leather strips and feathers were not sim
ply attached to a barrette but could instead be affixed to any sort of barrette with a handy silver clamp. Later I would learn that I had purchased a roach clip, but by then I had already worn it in my hair for most of third grade.

  From left to right:

  John Lennon

  Cat Stevens

  Jimi Hendrix/Art Garfunkel

  From left to right:

  My Dad

  Bob Marley

  Facial Hair Archetypes: Male. From left to right:

  My Dad

  Bob Marley

  Facial Hair Archetypes: Female. From left to right:

  Joan Baez

  Bob Marley

  How to Dress Like a Hippie

  Anything goes.

  POSSIBILITIES

  Go naked (but wear sunscreen).

  Wear a costume:

  Jesus. Biblical chic is easy and always in style: tunic, robe or caftan, sandals.

  Oh, pioneer! Think Little House on the Prairie: Long skirts and bonnets for women; breeches, work boots, and suspenders for men. This is the back-to-the-land gold standard. You should look like you have just raised a barn and are ready for a hootenanny.

  From left to right:

  Jesus

  Oh, Pioneer!

  Rock-star bohemian. Marianne Faithfull. Recently deposed Eastern European princess. Anything trimmed with alpaca. Tons of bracelets. Long-sleeved leotards.

  Counterculture casual. Old blue jeans, preferably torn and/or patched. East Indian–style shirts or skirts that you have made yourself from a pattern of your own creation. Leather vest and bare skin. Bare feet or, possibly, clogs.

  From left to right:

  Rock-star Bohemian

  Counterculture Casual

  Mix-and-match. Edwardian top hats, boas, thrift-store evening gowns. Mix patterns, colors, fabrics, and eras.

  Mix-and-Match

  At any given time I had more than a dozen leotards (which is a lot of any one thing for a hippie to have), in every color you can imagine. I spent a lot of time as a kid trying to figure out how to pee without taking off my leotard. I had heard women talking about this. I knew it could be done. Some had snaps in the crotch, which made peeing easier, but most did not. Peeing while wearing the snapless kind required pulling the leotard crotch to the side with one hand in order to avoid getting it wet. I was in my mid-twenties before I mastered the art of urinating fully clothed.

  CLASSIC ITEMS FOR EVERY HIPPIE’S WARDROBE

  For men

  Arizona Birkenstocks

  Old blue jeans with an American flag patch or peace dove on rear pocket

  Work shirt

  Surplus Navy pants

  Any item of clothing that fastens with leather laces

  For women

  Calfskin lace-up boots with fringe (regrettably dubbed “squaw boots”)

  Moroccan caftan in basic blue

  Leotard (long-sleeved, black), worn braless

  Ankle-length East Indian skirt

  Fringed, embroidered shawl

  Hippie accessories

  Face paint (rainbows, unicorns, etc.)

  Armpit/leg hair

  Silver bracelets (at least a hundred, worn all at once)

  Mexican jewelry of any kind

  Indian jewelry of any kind

  Native American jewelry of any kind

  Favorite gems (amber, turquoise, or cat’s eye)

  Anklets that jingle

  Hats (floppy, vintage, wizard hats, Cat-in-the-Hat hats)

  Granny glasses

  Statement buttons (“Take a Hippie to Lunch,” “Immoral Minority,” “Impeach Nixon,” “Ban the Bomb,” or “Ban the Bra”)

  Leather belts

  Purses (ethnic woven, hemp, or hand-tooled leather)

  Anything beaded

  No watch

  How to Tell Time Like a Hippie

  Look at the position of the sun.

  When the sun is directly overhead it is noon. That means that if the sun is somewhere between the eastern horizon and directly overhead, it is sometime between sunrise and noon.

  If the sun is somewhere between directly overhead and the western horizon, it is sometime between noon and sunset.

  If you can determine the exact time of sunrise and sunset (through your local newspaper), you will be able to more accurately gauge the time as indicated by the position of the sun.

  On overcast days, ask everyone you pass what time it is.

  Don’t worry about the time—it’s the day of the week that’s important.

  Don’t worry about the day of the week—it’s the month that’s important.

  Hippies enjoy a casual relationship with time. Most hippies do not like to wear watches, since watches imply that one has to be somewhere or do something at a particular time, and this goes against hippie mores. This can present a problem for children, who occasionally require being picked up from, or delivered to, some sort of organized activity. My mother and I once went three days before we realized that daylight savings time had kicked in. I have compensated for the lack of time consciousness in my upbringing by developing a neurotic impulse toward punctuality. When I arrive for an appointment (dinner at your house, for example), I am not on time—I am thirty minutes early. Even if it means sitting in the car out front for a half hour before I come to your door.

  Between Sunrise and Noon:

  Noon:

  Between Noon and Sunset:

  How to Anthropomorphize Inanimate Objects

  Perhaps it is the hippie’s spiritual nature that leads him or her to enthusiastically imagine that all inanimate objects have feelings. Is it hard to believe that a bulletin board can have a soul? If you are a hippie, the answer is no.

  ANTHROPOMORPHIZING TIPS

  Name the inanimate object—a coffee mug, for example.

  Talk to the coffee mug.

  Consider the feelings of the coffee mug. How does it feel in its situation? (How would you feel in its place?) Is it rarely used? Does it have a chip?

  Does it long to be around other coffee mugs? Is it jealous of the teacups?

  Take action to make the coffee mug happy.

  From left to right:

  “Doug”

  “Hank”

  When I was a kid, I named everything around me: my bed, all my necklaces, the Doug firs by the bus stop, the Holly bush in our side yard. I once had a deflated bicycle tire that I had found on the road in Key West, and I cared for it all summer. His name was Hank. Although I have mostly weaned myself of this habit as an adult, my boyfriend and I had a window we called William until quite recently. William was replaced by a prettier window and taken away on a neighborhood clean-up day. It was very sad.

  Hot to Pick Up a Hippie

  WHERE TO MEET A HIPPIE

  Phish concerts

  Rainbow Gatherings

  Dog parks

  Head shops

  Pottery fairs

  Kite stores

  Vegetarian cafés

  Hemp rallies

  Burning Man

  Cooperative natural food stores

  College campuses

  Fair-trade craft stores

  Protests

  Banjo lessons

  Belly-dancing classes

  Renaissance fairs

  Reggae festivals

  ICEBREAKERS

  “You look just like Ali McGraw!”

  “Want to sign my petition?”

  “Can I offer you a non-GMO, organic meatless patty?”

  “I’d like to make you an outfit.”

  “Didn’t we meet at the psychedelic symposium?”

  How to Name Your Hippie Baby

  Wait until you’re introduced.

  Think noun: August Autumn Bear Rainbow River Summer Trout Tuesday Winter

  Think weather: Breeze Hail Rain Storm Sun Sunny Sunshine Wind

  Think horticulture: Basil Begonia Blossom Clover Daisy Earth Fern Flower Heather Iris Jasmine Lavender Leaf Magnolia Marigold Meadow Moss Petal Ro
se Saffron Sage Seed Sunflower Thyme Violet Willow

  Think fantasy: Avalon Bilbo Dragon Frodo Galadriel Grimm Merlin Morgan Pegasus Puck Ranger Rogue Tolkien

  Think place: Asia Carmel Chelsea China Dakota Desert Fillmore Georgia India Ocean Tibet Zion

  Think Carlos Castaneda: Aurora Bud Cassiopia Cloud Cosmic Eclipse Haley Leary Light Rainbow Sky Skye Skylar Skyler Soul Spirit Star Starbright Stardust Starlight Starr Starshine

  Change C to K: Amerika Elektra Krystal

  When in doubt give your baby the last name of someone who played in the Monterey Pop Festival (e.g., Crosby, Hendrix, Joplin, Redding, or Shankar).

  My parents waited until I was six weeks old to name me. They were actually waiting until I “named myself,” and it seems I must have taken a while to decide. My grandmother, who was finding it difficult to explain to her friends that her granddaughter did not yet have a name, kept asking my parents how long they were going to let this go on. “How can we name her?” my father asked.

  “We don’t even know her.” Finally, one day my mother was nursing me while listening to Judy Collins sing “Chelsea Morning” and I gurgled. They called me Chelsea Snow: “Chelsea” because I liked the song, and “Snow” because I was born during a blizzard.

  OTHER POSSIBILITIES

  A

  Alice

  Allegra

  Alma

  Amethyst

  Andromeda

  Angel